Don't Mix Well
by MilkIsAGoodSourceOfCalcium
Summary: Taking his kids to visit his cousin really wasn't the best idea. Dursleys and Potters? Trust me. They do not mix well. ONESHOT 'My dad's a hero. Yours is just fat.'


**Don't mix well.**

**Something I've wanted to write for a while. I don't own anything. Enjoy … Soph xx**

'I dooonn't wanna go!'

'Shut up whiner.'

'Make me, ginger.'

'Whatever four eyes.'

'KIDS!' Ginny Weasley whirled round in the front seat and glared at the three children in the back seat. Her usually pale face was red with anger. All three children shut up quick. 'Do you want your father to crash the car? Do you want to be thrown out of the front windscreen and splattered like jam over the wipers? Do you want your hearts to be punctured by an ice sharp piece of glass? Do you want your organs to be donated to the NHS?'

All three children looked terrified and whimpered. 'No.' Al said finally, his lips trembling.

'Then please be quiet.'

Ginny was satisfied for a couple of peaceful minutes, and Harry's knuckles loosened their death grip on the steering wheel.

'Mu-um.' Harry's eye twitched violently.

Ginny sighed. 'Yes, James?'

'Are we nearly there yet?'

'No.'

'But I need a wee wee.' Lily screeched suddenly.

'Well you'll have to wait flower.' Said Harry kindly, he'd always had the biggest soft spot for his daughter.

'Dude! I really need to piss!' Harry stamped hard on the brakes, earning multiple honks from the cars around him.

'Who taught you that naughty word?' he demanded angrily and Ginny folded her arms and stared at her youngest.

'I'm no grass!' Lily insisted, folding her arms to mimic her mother.

Albus glanced up from his PS3 'James taught her.'

'Dude!' James yelled, giving Al a hard shove.

'James Sirius Potter!' Ginny growled, 'How dare you teach your sister something so naughty!' Al's mumble of 'that's what _she _said' thankfully wasn't heard by the angry parents, but James kicked him roughly.

'APOLOGISE!'

'Sor-ee.'

'Say it like you mean it young man!'

'I am very, very sorry for teaching my innocent little sister terribly naughty words and I absolutely swear on my life that I won't do it ever, ever, ever again!'

Ginny looked satisfied and Harry reached over to ruffle his son's hair. 'Good boy.'

James waited for his parents to take off down the motorway, before mumbling ever so quietly, 'tossers.'

An hour later, the orange ford fiesta pulled into a small, gravel coated drive, and the five Potters jumped out of their seats, and knocked on the green front door. A large man opened it, and peered down at them. 'Harry! Glad you could make it! We were starting to wonder where you'd got to!'

'Ah, sorry Dudley. Kids were causing a bit of ruckus, but they're on their best behaviour now, aye kids' Lily, Al and James nodded soberly. 'This is my lovely wife, Ginny, and this is Lily-' Lily smiled brightly- 'This is Albus-' Al gave a nod- 'And this is my eldest, James.' James forced Dudley into a knuckle touch.

'Lovely to meet you all! Come in, come in!' The Potters were ushered in the doorway. Just down the hall, Dudley's wife and kids stood. 'This is my wife, Roberta.'

'Nice to meet you.' Ginny shook her hand, 'You have a lovely home.' Roberta smiled.

'It's lovely to meet you all too. These are our children, Diana, Mackenzie and Chantelle.' The kids grinned , causing quite an unpleasant image. The eldest Diana, winked at James and he took rather a hasty step back.

'Well, dinners almost ready. Why don't you kids go into the playroom?' Dudley said.

His children's enthusiastic chorus of 'yes daddy' slightly scared Lily. Chantelle grabbed her hand in her pudgy one, and dragged her to the playroom, and the others followed, James and Al, if somewhat reluctantly.

As soon as they had safely shut the door of playroom, which was stuffed full of toys and most of the latest games consoles., Chantelle and Mackenzie turned around, 'You touch anything and you're dead' Mackenzie sneered at the three of them. The Potters couldn't really say that they were surprised at the change of attitude. They'd always suspected that they had 'evil sensors'

'Wouldn't want to anyway.' James said 'it's all a load of crap.'

'What did you call it?" Mackenzie demanded outraged.

'Crap, faeces, excrement.'

'Shit.' said Lily.

'My granddad said you were freaks.' Chantelle said nasally.' He said your daddy was a lazy, nasty little freak, who doesn't even deserve to kiss my shoe.'

Whilst James and Lily were positively outraged at this comment about their dad, Al was examining an xbox controller. He spoke slowly and surely, without even looking up. 'Our dad's a hero. Yours is just fat.'

'Lets not argue!' Diana said. 'Lets play on the computer!' Chantelle and Mackenzie were shocked at their sister's response. Those kids just called their dad fat!

'I don't wanna play with them losers!' Mackenzie huffed moodily.

'Yeah! Well we don't wanna play with you either!' Lily whined.

'James wants to play, dontcha James?' James stared dumb-wittedly at Diana.

'Well- not reall-'

Diana grabbed his arm and forced him onto the computer chair.

'Play with me James!'

Al's 'that's what _she _said' was again, missed. Lucky actually, because both Mackenzie and Diana were both twice his width, and he was far too young to die.

James looked utterly dumbfounded that Diana was being so nice, but was soon won over by Grand Theft Auto, and barely noticed Diana sidle up to him.

Lily meanwhile, had decided to be the better person, and said, 'Oh Chantelle, you have some lovely dollies.'

Chantelle was quite proud of her dollies as it happened, and took the opportunity to brag. 'Yes I know.' She pointed at a well dressed baby, wearing a pink petticoat. 'I got that one from Toys R Us last week. Daddy bought it for me. It was a whole twenty pounds! And it came with it's own nappies!'

Lily couldn't help but be slightly impressed. 'Does she poo by herself?'

'Yup.' Chantelle said. 'She even cries, and kicks her legs.'

'Wow!' Lily said, 'What about voice control?'

'Understands eighty words and can say mama.'

'Sweet. The one I've got at home can understand fifty, but on the upside, she can say dada too.'

'Always a bonus.' Chantelle agreed. 'If you compare it to baby Choo Choo version 17, there is a significant difference between leg movement…..'

Albus and Mackenzie were left standing awkwardly on the scruffy rug.

'Well, if you expect me to be friends with you now, you're mistaken.'

'Oh, don't worry. I am not as easily bought as my siblings.' Albus assured him.

'You called my dad fat.' Mackenzie accused.

'What you gonna do?' Al said. Mackenzie looked a bit discouraged. The kid didn't seem really scared, even though he was bigger than him. And if what his dad said was true…

'So…. Um. Are you really, you know, magic.' Mackenzie let his curiosity get the better of him.

'Yeah.' said Al. 'I could destroy you.'

'Can you show me some?' Mackenzie inquired.

Al was too proud to admit he hadn't actually learnt any yet. 'Maybe later.' he said.

'Come on! Show me now!'

'No!' said Al, annoyed.

'Ohhhhhhhh….' Mackenzie said, irritatingly.

'What?'

'It's cos you're lying isn't it?'

'It isn't!' Al insisted, maybe a little to quickly.

'Liar, liar, pants on fire! Liar, liar pants on fire!' Mackenzie jeered.

'Shut your mouth!' Al shouted.

'Liar, liar, pants on fire!' Mackenzie repeated, getting louder.

'I am not!'

'LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!'

Albus, who had arguably the shortest temper of the family, lunged. Both boys fell backwards, and the toys cascaded around them.

'Oi!' James yelled, 'Geroff my brother!' And he jumped into the group, his elbow aimed and Mackenzie's face.

'James! No!' Diana screamed.

'Kill the bastard James!' Lily cheered, and Chantelle glared at her.

'Murder him Mackenzie!' She yelled. Lily scowled at her.

The door was flung open and the four adults sprinted wildly into the room 'OI! OI! GET OFF EACHOTHER NOW!' Ginny screamed. Dudley looked shocked that such pretty woman could make such a noise. The kids sprang apart, looking extremely dishevelled. Mackenzie had a black eye and Al had a scratch across his cheek.

'James, Al. I am so disappointed in you.' Harry said quietly. They both looked sullenly at the floor.

Dudley however, lost it. 'YOUR CHILDREN ARE A MENACE! NASTY, NASTY LITTLE RATS!'

There was a stunned silence. Then, 'How dare you. Don't you dare say that about my children.' Ginny looked murderous. Lily looked smug. Dudley looked… well, quite scared.

'Knowing you, your kids probably started it. Bet your kind don't get taught manners, eh?'

'Coming from you?' Harry was incredulous. 'You are the biggest, rudest pig I have ever frickin' met!'

'Daddy said a naughty word.' Lily whispered to Al. He stared at her disbelievingly.

'I think you should go.' Dudley said.

'Oh, we'd be happy to, Dudders.' Ginny said, her face red and angry. She took Al and Lily's hands and stormed out of the door. 'C'mon James.' James flagged Mackenzie and started to follow his mother, when Diana grabbed his hand, pulled him towards her, and gave him a huge, sloppy kiss on the mouth. Harry gasped, Dudley almost fainted. James screamed.

'AHHHHHHHH!' James squealed. 'AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HOLY FRICK! ' He wrenched away his hand and did what any little boy would in his situation. He hid behind his dad. Albus and Lily did the only thing younger siblings do in that situation, and roared with laughter.

'JAMESIE! DON'T HIDE! I LOVE YOU!'

'WE'RE RELATED!'

'Third cousins!'

'RELATED!'

He wiped his hands over his lips again and again, but couldn't get the taste of her mangy lips off his. Harry grabbed his arm, speechless, and all but sprinted out of the door.

'DON'T GO!' Diana squealed like a piglet, but James was to busy screaming to hear her.

The Potters slammed the car doors behind them. 'Go go go.' Ginny chanted, and Harry slammed down the accelerator. James was banging his head against the car door.

'Nice kiss Jamesie?' Al taunted.

James didn't even have the energy to punch him in the face.

As the Potters did 150 down the motorway, each were just a little traumatised. 'I feel like a pureblood.' James moaned.

But never fear dear readers. James did recover. After years of therapy and a stint in St. Mungo's.

**REVIEW PLEASE (or I'll get Diana to snog you)…. Did you enjoy? Hate?**

**Thank you! :D**


End file.
